Poor babies

Logan has the flu! So much for the stupid flu shot...and at Christmas too! He has been throwing up since early yesterdya morning. I'm thinking if he doesn't start to keep something down soon, we will have to call the doctor : ( His littl eeyes are starting to get that sunken dehydrated llok. It's so sad, he just lays there...and looks pitiful. He slept with me last night because when he throw up he goes limp and won't sit up, so he keeps choking. I wasn't about to have him alone in his room doing that...but at 2:30 this morning he fell out of bed! I am an awful mommy. He now has a fatlip : ( I'm thinking we will be spending Christmas at hoem this year.

The twins were born on Saturday. 5 weeks early. Little Faith far surpassed the doctors expectations and hung in there for 34 hours before she went home to the Lord. I'm so happy I got to go and see her and hold her Sunday night. Addison was in the NICU for observation, but was released today with her Mommy. I'm glad that this part is over for Jess, just so sad that this all happened right at Christmastime. I can't imagine losing a child, and then when you want to grieve having to carefor her twin and big sister still. we all knew this was the outcome for many months, but when it happens...there is no way to "prepare" for it. Just praying for C & J, and wishing them strength to get through this difficult time : (

And life slowly returns to normal

Well as normal as our life can be anyways. I went back to work last night. My fellow RN's were wonderful and wouldn't let me do anything (I wonder if that will last until August?). It was only an 8 hour shift so we will see how this weekend goes. I have another beta tomorrow morning, can't wait to hear the #. I am 100% sure I am only having 1, I will be shocked if my us on the 5th shows 2...don't know why I just have a feeling. I also think it's another boy, so I've begun calling him Brady already : ) I wonder if the new baby will look like Logan? I'm pretty confident all is okay and will continue to go well...

Dh is on vacation for 2 weeks...I'm already bored. It's supposed to snow a ton again tonight, they are saying up to a foot! And then another big storm is expected on Saturday. I hope it starts AFTER I'm at work, I hate driving in this crap!

So last night Brian told his mother I will not be attending Christmas this year. I have to work Christmas Eve, and with all of the BS that has gone on with his sister and his brother's wife all year, I don't feel comfortable around them. I know it's all a big cheesy fake act and I'm tired of it. They are rude and inconsiderate, and I just refuse to have the stress. I am done being the bigger person, I've tried endlessly (I actually have!) and I am fed up with it. His mom of course was all upset, but he actually stuck up for me, explained my reasons, and explained that he totally understands where I am coming from...he even pointed out things to her that I've pointed out to him that I thought he just blew off! I hate that this is what it's come too, I hate that my BIL's stupid ass "wife" has caused such unfixable damage among me and my IL's, and that Brian has to be put in the middel of it. I don't see it getting better, the point we've come to I really think that we will have contact with his parents, and he mayeb with his siblings at holidays, but they disinclude him from their lives anyways so it's not really like he's losing out on much. I feel bad for him, but liek I said if that's how your family treats you...what kin dof family is that?? I hope his Mom doesn't turn this into another battle.

My mom isn't having Christmas this year, everybodys logistics are all screwed up. I'm pretty bummed out about it : ( I'm pretty sure on Christmas I will come home, open gifts and have breakfast with Brian and Logan, take a nap, go serve dinner to the less fortunate at the church, then go see Marley & Me. I loved the book so I'm really excited, plus I love Jennifer Aniston. Maybe I will ask Mom if she wants to join me for the movie. It will suck with Brian adn Logan gone, but I don't want his parents to not see Logan so I'm making him go. Ahhhh...isn't the holiday wonderful? Aren't families the best? I shouldn't say that...mine really is pretty great : )

Snow again

Winter weather advisory from 3pm to 3am. Yuck. Brian starts vacation tomorrow for 2 weeks, which I had been looking forward too but now with the black cloud looming over us I am dreading it. Hopefully they need a lot of extra help at work and I can get out of here. I am just so upset with him I don't even know what to say. I've just reached my limit with his family...if something doesn't change I will have to change something because I cannot keep doing this.

Well off to watch the Backyardigans...again : P Doctor appt. again tomorrow AM. Hopefully the snow is cleaned up or it will take DAYS to get there!

WTF????

SIL just called to let us know that SHE is expecting. Only about 4 weeks though so please don't tell anyone as they are only telling MIL & FIL, and BIL and his wife. Really???? Okay...I could see if you were telling everybody and wanted to maybe give us a heads up since we will see the WHOLE family at Xmas...but if you aren't then why call the IF couple who are going through IVF, who don't know yet whether or not it worked and even if we did know we still have another week of betas before we know all is okay? I have always had problems with her and BIL's wife now that the 2 of them are buddies...but I just think it's a little inconsiderate on her part. I mean she doesn't even talk to dh and I so it's not like we are all so close and she was so excited to share her news with us. We will be due within like a week of each other...I guess the only good thing is now that her daughter is having a baby...MIL will leave me alone!! I'm glad she got pregnant with no problems, but seriously do any of these people have even half a brain???? She claims she is only having girls...so I hope she has a happy, healthy baby boy : )

Cookie Day

It is -15 degrees outside with the windchill! BRRRRRRR!!!!! Logan and I headed over to my Mom's house to bake Christmas cookies with my Aunt. It was fun. Logan is the little King at Nana's house...she gives me a hard time about him being spoiled, but she is even worse!

I was helping my cousin register for her baby shower...I love baby stuff! It will suck not having a shower but there is still stuff we need. They always come out with new and improved versions of stuff too which makes me want things we don't need : ) Like we have the Papasan swing which Logan loved but now it is softer and has lamb ears...if I were rich...

Also had to go to the doctor today and they confirmed my HPT frenzy. I am officially pregnant and due August 25. Now we just have to wait and see how many are in there! It doesn't feel real though. Today as Logan was running around calling me "My Momma" I thought about how he will adjust to being a big brother. He is quite spoiled and the center of our universe. And on my side of the family my parents, grandparents, my cousins, my niece and nephews...they all pretty much cater to him as well. It should be interesting.

Oh boy...as I type this random blog entry, Brian IM'd me to tell me his Mom is throwing a fit because she wasn't informed I'm pregnant. I wanted to wait to tell his family (especially her) until all of my betas were done, since last time I miscarried she cried and prayed like it was her who lost the baby. Okay my mom was upset too, but geez lady get a grip! Way to make it about you as usual... His sister who I have to keep as a friend on Facebook or she will cry to him, saw a message from my fellow IVF friend which implied I may be pregnant and told everybody apparently. Seriously I don't even talk to her but the 2 times a year I have to see her, and she is still so meddlesome. I refuse to take down my Facebook because she is nosy...maybe I should just remove her...can I use the pregnancy hormones as an excuse????

He is constantly stealing silverware from the drawer...

Trying to keep the Paparazzi out of his face

Breaking into the DVD's

Getting himself a snack...yes we bought childproof fridge things...he figured them out in half an hour : (

Pictures

I am the BOSS!!!!

What? You want me to sleep in this thing?

Last time in the crib : (

He actually smiled and saaid "cheese" instead of running away : )

That looks like one naughty kid!

Aluminum Foil really does break the microwave

I know this thanks to Brian! He put some in there on Friday, and we got a few uses out of it, but it kept tunring off. He blamed it on our "uneven counters" : P since I had to move the microwave since Logan kept putting toys in it. Well this morning I am back to super-mommy status and was making bacon in the microwave (it's crispier that way!), and all of a sudden it died : ( He's lucky they are so cheap these days! At least now I can get a stainless steel one since I haven't bought one since ours worked just fine.

Took a digital EPT This morning and it read "PREGNANT". So I guess I will believe it. Now I just wonder how many are in there?? Found myself thinking this morning "that wasn't so bad..." HAHAHA, it was terrible, but oh so worth it.

Madness

Dh now knows the depths of it. I got 2 pink lines on an HPT so then I had to show my collection I've been building up the past couple of days to verify 1 line vs 2 lines. I'm quite shocked. I really didn't think this would work. It' still early I know but...wow! Don't worry I have 3 more to get me through to Wednesday and my beta : )

Big boy bed=no sleep for mom!

Well I got some sleep. He slept from about 10pm to 3am. Then I went in by him when he woke up crying and he thought it was playtime so after 2 hours I just took him to bed with me I was so tired. I am so weak. Maybe I shoul dbuild a crib that has a lower setting for the mattress????

As for me, I have a HORRIBLE backache today. It sucks, but when I got pregnant with Logan I was lying on the couch in pain with a backache about a week before I found out...hate to get my hopes up. I've also been so pukey I started taking my Zofran again. I've been pukey this whole iVF process though so nothing reeally new there.

Tomorrow I shall POAS again. I would feel better just knowing if this worked or not...either way. Obviously I'll be dissappointed but the suspense is killing me! I will be enjoying some wine Wednesday night if the news is bad...

Can you tell I'm bored?

Another post in one day?? Brian and his dad are out in the garage fixing the snowblower, so Logan and I are just hanging out.

Logan slept in his "big boy bed" for naptime today. A whole hour : ( I had to lay on the floor with my blanket and pillows until he fell asleep. I kept saying "Logan let's go nite-nite" and he kept going to OUR bed and patting it to go up. I wonder how bedtime will go tonight????

I have bought 1 Christmas present! For my mom, a salad spinner...whoop-de-doo! On eof the random things she always says she needs. I have no Christms spirit. Brian dn Logan put the tree up without me too. Maybe after next week when my uncertainty is gone I will feel more "christmasy".

The twins

Not mine but it's twin season around here. Kelly has been int he hospital because apparently her besrest is not doing the trick in stopping her contractions. She is 29 weeks. They have given her the shots to try and mature Aiden and Olivia's lungs. I hope they can hang out in there a bit longer. Between this with her and Jessica with the girls, I am quite on edge. Just parying they both go awhile longer.

As for me...my trigger is out of my system. How do I know that? Because I got a negative HPT of course! I will try not to test agin until Monday. I have a feeling though this is not our cycle. Not because of the -, I know it's too early, but I just feel like it didn't work.

Well I just peeked my head out of the office and saw my child sitting on the kitchen table eating an apple from the bowl. Great work watching him Brian!!!!

Insurance Bitch

So yesterday afternoon the insurance lady from my RE's office called to inform me that I owe them $300 in co-pays and need to bring that payment in full to my appointment today.

First of all, the damn receptionists are always "on break" and cannot accept a co-pay, how is that my problem? They have been billing us which is fine with me...mail me a bill and I mail you $30 bucks. I like this method better anyways, since we DO have insurance coverage I am sure it has already gone through my insurance and that I do owe the money.

So I write them a check for $300 all the while bitching that you could give more then a days notice and I can't believe I even owe that much (if you can't tell I am just a PEACH lately!). Now if we owe the money I have no problem paying it, but Brian handles the finances, and the money in MY checking account right now is for Christmas shopping and getting through life until he's back in town. I don't like to use my credit card for stuff like this either, which I could have...but my point is that they shoudl not ambush you the day before coming in with this crap!

An hour after I get home the receptionist who unfortunately felt my wrath (I did apologize to her I know it wasn't HER fault) called to tell me that she was looking at my account and United Healthcare just paid on a large bunch of claims. Well appointments that were only lab/us monitoring...don't have a co-pay! So now I have a $300 credit on my account. Since they are an Aurora clinic who knows when I will ever see that $300!! Especially now that Logan's new pediatrician is affiliated with Columbia-St. Marys and our doc as well, so it's not even like I could just not pay co-pays for 4 years and work it off. I used to work for Aurora I know they are behind and dumb! I've talked to Brian about if this IVF worked going back to my old OB/GYN and delivering at St Marys (I like my doc who handled Lo's pregnancy, but he has "partners" now and who knows who I will see). I think this seals the deal for me!

Can i please just be a crazy, hormonal bitch on my own for the next 6 days? Can nobody provoke me?

Panic sets in

I have had some issues in the past with anxiety. I've done very well with it during out TTC here...but I am now feeling like crap! I think I may be having a panic attack.

The waiting, worrying, wondering. I think me being off of work for 3 weeks before Christmas, bills, all kinds of crap that really ISN'T an issue suddenly seems like one and is making me freak out. How the hell am I supposed to make it to next Wednesday??

My little daredevil

Well Logan escaped his crib yesterday and ended up in the ER!! All is well except for the lump on his head, and of course no more crib. He really has no fear lately and it scares me!! Today is my last day of bedrest...which has turned into me just taking it easy rest. MIL wants to come over today but I can't tolerate her again so I will make do on my own. I figure they've already made up their mind if they are sticking or not...

The 3 pack of EPT's that are hiden in the bathroom are calling me. I am going to test on Sunday, and then of course probably Monday and Tuesday too...my beta is Wednesday. I feel so clam actually. I don't know if that's because I've decided it worked or if I've decided it didn't. I've been really nauseous at night the last 2 nights, but I've been nauseous through this whole process so I don't take it to mean much!

Thing 1 and Thing 2

They are in there. For now. They can make a baby in a dish but they can't tell you sooner than 10 days if they stuck around? Sheesh I hope I make it! Maybe it would be better if I wasn't off of work for 2 more weeks (I will regret saying that once I'm back!)

We transferred 2 Grade A blasts this morning. They were "beautiful" according to the embryologist. Hope they think my uterus is beautiful and stay there for awhile. Now fo rmy 4 glorious days of bedrest...ahhh.

Christmas OREOs...quite messy : )

Feeling better today

For the first time in a couple of weeks I actually feel "good" today. Still having some pain on my right side, but I actually feel okay. Now if only it weren't FREEZING outside I would take Logan to do something fun, but it's way too cold out. We'll bake some cookies after naptime he likes helping with that.

We put our tree up days ago, and put the lights on it, but still no ornaments, I just haven't felt like it, so maybe we will do that tonight too.

So Brian's sister has irritated me once again (big surprise there huh?). After my transfer Sunday I will be on bedrest for 4 days. Brian has the last 2 weeks of the year off and could switch some days but I don't want him too unless we absolutely cannot find anyone to help. So we have to find people to come and help me with Logan Monday-Wednesday next week. Well his sister has off on Wednesdays so he called and left a message with her husband a couple of days ago asking if she could come over for part of the day next week...haven't heard from her. I have never asked her to baby-sit, she however baby-sits his other nephew all the time, which is fine since his brother is only interested in pawning his kid off on people and I on the other hand LIKE to spend time with my son. You could at least call and say you have plans or something. I'm surprised she even sent me a message on my Facebook acknowleding this whole process. Oh and his mom pissed me off too! She who told everybody she knows about our beign fertility challenged...said she MAY be able to come watch Logan next week but it depends on BIL's wife and her work schedule which she won't know until today. BIL and his wife NEVER have their child he is always with her parents or his. Just kind of pisses me off since we never ask them to sit, and this is like a 1 time IMPORTANT thing. Tell her sorry you need to help out your other son for once...geez. His family really is beyond my last nerve.

I'm still waiting for my chance to be evil at Christmas. BIL's wife made a big deal at Logan's b-day party about wanting to come and bring Connor trick or treating with us. Well I called her 3 times the week before and she never called back. They never came. Brian talked to his brother the day before and he said he would call him back and never did, Brian was even a little mad. I haven't talked to her since. I'm betting at Christmas I get the "oh Kelly I'm so sorry about trick or treat"...I will just interupt by lettign her know that if she were that "sorry" she would have shown the courtesy of calling prior then 2 months later to apologize. I'm just so sick of all the crap with my 2 SIL's. It's funny how Molly (BIL's wife) used to hate Becky (SIL) and talk such shit about her, and now they are best buddies. One might think I'm jealous of this, but that isn't it, I'm just angry that I always look like the bad one when they are the ones who do their own thing all the time, but when I am expected to be a part of something and don't want too, then I'm the bitch.

Oh in-laws...

Snow, snow, snow

All week we heard about the "blizzard" heading our way. One channel would say 6-8 inches, another 8-10...so it snowed all afternoon yesterday but since we live across the street from Lake Michigan, here it just melted. I woke up a bunch of times throughout the night since I'm so bloated I can't get comfortable enough to sleep and our power was out for like 3 hours. This morning...snow everywhere. I was hoping it would just keep melting, I really don't like the snow. I debated about taking Logan out to play but he NEVER wants to come back inside, and I don't think I'm quite feeling up to a long, cold day in the snow. Maybe when Brian gets home he can take him. Such a bad Mommy I am : (

Oh shit!

Hyperstim...I hate that word. It is what my body likes to do. We have 7-8 follicles on each side measuring at 21-23cm so at least we will have a bunch to freeze (hopefully if they fertilize). Looking like my retrieval may be the end of this cycle. No transfer. FET later. Lower success rates with that so bah that sucks. There is still hope that the Albumin I am receiving will calm things down enough that we can transfer next Sunday. So pissy now.

Nothing much to report here

I'm tired and tired of shots. Had my first hormonal (that's what I'm callign it) breakdown Monday night at Brian. Quite funny since I had it literally minutes after saying "and I've been even less of abitch then I usually am since starting my meds!". Men just don't get it sometimes. He's been kissing butt since though. NOt that I'm the kind of person who demands that, it's just nice to see maybe he realizes what I'm going through.

Doctor tomorrow AM for a follie check. I am hoping we do my retrieval Sunday. If not it should be Monday. It's almost over. The waiting is the worst, I'm sure when I'm in my 2ww I will peeing on home tests daily : ( I'd like to say I've come to terms with this maybe not working and not wanting to try again, but who knows, that changes with the wind.

Excite for Turkey Day tomorrow at my mom's. I love hanging out with my family at my mom's house. Glad we don't have to go by MIL's house!!

Our agreement

So I made a deal with Brian last night. Silly man, always the optimist. We agreed that if this IVF doesn't work we are taking Logan to Disney for his birthday in October : ) I've never been there and neither has Brian. The catch...we are also taking my 3 nephews and 1 niece!! They will never get to go if it's left up to their parents. At least mine took us on OTHER vacations and that is why we didn't go to Disney, my siblings are just idiots though so I think the kids should get to go. I'm already online pricing trips and airfare : ) It's looking expensive but it will be worth it, and we haven't had a vacation in forever.

Just goes to show, Brian is convinced this cycle will work and he won't have to pony up, whereas I am convinced it won't so at least now I have Disney to look forward too! It will be Logan's birthday party : ) And this way his parents can't complain about how much I spend or do for his party since they won't be invited : P

We're getting there

So tonight is Day 4 of stims. I have been a puking mess since we started. I was actually sent home from work early Saturday morning, and didn't go in last night and am not going in tonight. I had a follie check today and my ovaries are already Super Stimulated. Tons of follies on each side, and quite a few pretty big ones. They want them between 18-20cm, and I already have at least 7-8 on each side measuring at 10cm. We are decreasing my Follistim tonight as a precaution...no OHSS for me (I hope!). So even with my E2 setback, we may still have an egg retrieval this coming weekend. Initially it would have been Saturday, since I am stimming so quickly it may be Sunday, I may only need 8 days on stims, which I am totally fine with. Dare I let myself think this may work, I just know I will be heartbroken if it doesn't...

Exhaleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So the doctors office FINALLY called back. My E2 is down to 43.5, a tad bit higher then they'd like but good enough to keep on truckin'. So lucky me, I get to add 2 shots to my gut to my nightly regimine now. Counting down...10 days until retrieval, (hopefully) 15 days until transfer...and then it is all in God's hands from that point on...

Is pregnancy contagious?

I sure hope so because I'm bound to catch it then! In the past 2 weeks I have found out 4 of my friends are pregnant! First it was Jenny, who I am so excited for. She had Ben about 7 years ago and went back to school and graduated in May so they were really ready for another. Then came Holly...awesome for her, newlywed baby. Next Angie...not really super close to her anymore but hey good for her. Then last night BETH...she has to do or get something because everybody else is. When everybody came back from Florida, Laura talked about buying a new car like the rental down there...who went out the next day and bought one? Beth of course. Now it's "oh you guys are trying for a baby? we will too, won't that be fun to be pregnant together?" and now "wow we only decided to start trying a couple weeks ago...but I was already pregnant!". I told her congratulations, but I can't be super happy about it. I'm probably screwing my karma here...

I'm guaging things in days now to get through. Tomorrow is the day I find out if we can even continue...

A little better

Well I've had some time to calm down and I'm doing a little better. I can definately feel the increased dose of Lupron though, I woke up last night at one point and went to roll over...and I couldn't move. My legs were so stiff and hurt so bad I couldn't move them until I lay there for awhile and kind of stretched them out. Just remember Kell...Thursday win or lose I can lower my dose or quit it!

I decided I will not be defeated! I am getting pregnant this cycle and that's that! Positive thinking?? I'm not going through all of this crap for nothing...Logan wants a sibling for Christmas and as Super-Mom it's my job to give him one.

Crap, crap, and more crap

So I went to the doctor this morning...day 3...ultrasound looks awesome, start stims tonight. Oh but wait, the nurse called to let me know my estrogen is 62, they don't want it above 40...so don't start stims, increase Lupron that has been making me feel like shit to 20 units instead of 5, and hope it goes down by Thursday or my cycle is cancelled.

I am just beyond mad. I told Brian this will be our last cycle, I can't do it anymore, and now I told him that whether its cancelled or not it will be over. And I feel like such an ass because while I've been telling myself it won't work and haven't been letting myself get excited, I think in the back of my mind I was convinced it would work, and now I'm just horribly devastated.

I know there is of course still a chance, but in my mind I feel like I know its over.

I have my beautiful, perfect Logan and if that's all God wanted me to have then so be it.

I hate those stupid people who just look at their husband and say "honey lets have a baby", do it once or God forbid maybe even two or three times, and oh my their pregnant. And yes I am throwing myself a pity party right now and don't care how mean I am...but I swear if I hear that Brian's sister is pregnant anytime during this wonderful holiday season I will just lose it!

Seriously????

Logan has lost his mind! He destroyed so many things in the house today I am in shock! He managed to somehow use his juice in his sippy cup to paste magaine pages to my kitchen floor, which I cannot remove no matter what I try. He also somehow removed the little rubber and metal door stopper thingie that is on the wall behind the living room door to prevent the doorknob from banging into the wall...there aren't even any screws or anything on it so I have no clue how he did that. He also is still obsessed with the microwave...unfortunately we have little to no counter space so I can't figure out what to do with that yet since the only place for it is on the microwave cart. He of course managed to provoke the dog into trying to bite him twice and the cat to hiss an dspit at him, he thinks this is hilarious though. He is really giving me a run for my money!

Then later tonight he was running around with a picture in his hand and when I finally got it from him he told me "my Care"...it was a picture of his cousins, my nephew J.J., and my niece Clare : ) He's never said any of their names before, and he actually hasn't seen my niece lately only my nephews, but he knew that was his Care : ) He also layed in bed with me at bedtime and kept taking out his binky (yes I know he's 2 now and still has a bink!) and saying "Muah" and grabbing my face and planting kisses on me. This along with wrapping his tiny little hands around my neck and hugging me...and I guess I won't ship him off to the orphanage just yet.

He drives me batty lately but he also does the funniest and sweetest things. Obviously I will love the opportunity to be a mom again, but it also makes me a little bit sad to think these may be some of our last times as "onlies" together. I'm only HIS mom and he's my only baby : )

Just a few random pictures of Logan : )

Winter will suck!

I'm already having cabin fever! Yesterday we got to go to Logan's doctor's appointment. It went well. We started seeing a new pediatrician and I really like her alot. I am going to write a letter to his old doctor explaining that we really were fond of him but his Medical Assistant was the reason we left. So Logan weighed 25 pounds, and was 34 inches tall (or was it 35? Bad mommy here!). He got his last Hep A shot an da flu shot and now we don't go back until he is 3!

Monday night Mother-in-law was here so she gave me my shot...ummm okay I think she used her pent up rage towards me because my leg was BLEEDING afterwards and I now have a huge bruise...ouch! However dh insisted on giving it to me last night, and I made him practice on an orange forever...but he did great! I didn't even feel it. It is such a relief to know I can have him do them all now, one less worry on my mind!

I am supposed to get AF Friday, which means I will start my stims Monday. I am juust thankful this is almost over. Les then a month because my transfer will be either December 2 or 4...I can hold on for that much longer! I have been really negative just thinking it won't work, I guess maybe setting myself up for dissappointment, I'm afraid to thin kit just might work...

Well I dug my old print/copy/scan out of the closet and am trying to scan pictures onto my computer, it never worked before so I don't know why it would work now! Off to frustrate myself!

I have my own little black raincloud

Just a poor, poor pitiful me post here...these shots are kicking my butt! I have been throwing up, having headaches, every bone in my body aches, and my stomach is so bloated I look about 5 months pregnant. It pretty much sucks. Luckily I had co-workers to give me my shots all weekend, but then last night I had to do my own again, I hadn't slept since coming off of my 12 hour night shift Saturday, had to spend the day at my in-laws, Logan was a spazz all day, and I felt like crap! So insert needle, realize it isn't in all the way, have to push it in further, it hurt TERRIBLY, inject oncology drug, and start bawling!!! I know it will be worth it in the end, but I'm just so tired...

I bought Jon and Kate's book this weekend and finished it in about an hour and a half last night. She really irritates me on the show lately, but the book was basically about her TTC, her pregnancy, and the time right after the sextuplets were born. She is inspiring and it was a good read. I just keep telling myself others TTC have it much harder then I do : ( IF is a horrible, horrible thing!

My dear little pregnant cousin apparently has some new crap to deal with, or should I say my aunt and uncle do. The sheriffs department contacted them last night to set up an interview. Apparently my cousin's guidance counselor called the police because my cousin is 17 (she will be 18 when the baby is born), and her boyfriend just turned 19. They dated all during high school and he was a junior when she was a freshman, so its not a creepy child molestor situation, but still illegal! The sheriff told my aunt that is not her choice to press charges, that the state may do it anyways. My mom said that normally they just put these people on probation and don't give them jail time, but he will then forever be considered a sex offender an dhave to register as one! My poor aunt...

I was laso volunteered to throw her baby shower, hopefully I am also pregnant by that time or it will be really hard. Although I do like to throw a party and plan on making it awesome for her. I figure she may be young, but this will be her only baby shower (we only throw one for the first in our family) and she shouldn't get the shaft just because she's young...

Well I'm going ot try to reason with my 2 year old now and get him to take a nap...

Thursdays

Why oh why does Logan insist on waking up at obscene times on Thursdays? 6:30am is just too early, plus it throws the whole day off, and naptime is always an ordeal...and I work Thursday nights!! It's like he KNOWS!!

So yesterday we began our Lupron injections. I actually gave it to myself, didn't have Brian do it!! It wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt at all yet I almost passed out because of the anticipation...I'm such a wuss! I can stick people with needles, start IV's...and I could care less but when it's ME!! Break out the smelling salts!

I really hope this works and we can just be done. If it doesn't work we still have 2 more cycles the insurance will cover (they don't count cancelled cycles towards our limit), but I think we will be done. I think Logan will be it, or maybe we will discuss adoption. I can't go through this again, just the dwelling on it part is bad enough and we haven't even really gotten into the meat of it yet.

Our nurse at the fertility clinic yesterday was a friend from schools older sister. Normally one would probably feel awkward but being a nurse I could care less. She did IVF to conceive her 3 year old twins so that made me feel a little better as well.

Through all of this i keep thinking of Corey and Jessica : ( Faith and Addison have now switched places and Faith is breech so it's looking like a c-section for Jess. The doctor was kind of leaning towards that anyways, especially if Faith does make it to delivery, so they can have more control over the situation. I really hope she makes it to delivery so that they get to meet her and hold her while she is still alive. Everytime I really think about it, I just cry, I can't imagine something happening to Logan, and I don't know how Jess is doing this, she has some strength.

I'm not even going to discuss the election here...I'm still too bitter!! My mom of course the democrat and I have been having a war of words since yesterday...it's all in good fun of course, but I really know how to rile her up and I'm enjoying it : )

Election Day Rambling

What a day!! Logan decided yesterday was a good day to throw my Blackberry in the toilet! It's only like 5 weeks old, and of course this morning the keypad wouldn't work! So off to the cell phone store where they told me I can pay 200 bucks to fix it...hello I just bought the phone for that much I may as well buy a new one! Brian and I have been with them for 6 years, I have been with them for 10, an dthey couldn't even offer to take a lousy 50 bucks off?!?!!? Really pissed me off. Then Brian had the nerve to tell me I should take better care of my things!! I hope Logan throws something expensive of his in the toilet so I can tell him the same thing!!

Logan and I went and voted today. Walked to the polls since it's like 75 degrees again today (oh I love it!). Tomorrow is supposed to be our last nice day...it will probably snow the next day!

Cancelled Logan's 2 year well check tomorrow because we are switching to a different group of doctors with a different hospital affiliation. I'm looking forward to this! So next Tuesday is his sppointment instead. Brian and I will be seeing a doctor and his wife will actually be Lo's pediatrician.

Tomorrow is the big day...I start my Lupron shots. I'm excited but nervous of course. I hope I don't get the Luprom headaches...I'm such a baby when it comes to headaches. I just want this cycle to be over (and ++++!).

This is the week

So technically we are currently "in cycle"...however we don't start in my mind until Wednesday. I have a huge box of drugs sitting on my kitchen counter, filled with many long, sharp needles. I've argued with myself back and forth for the past week or so "we're doing it" "Maybe we shouldn't do it". I've convinced myself we are a go and if it's that awful we will be done.

So Wednesday Brian has off of work. We have our nurse teaching appointment at 11:45 am. That will be Day 1 of my Lupron injections. While I am in no way, shape, or form even close to being started getting ready for Christmas...I just wish I could fast-forward to that time. we will be done cycling, done retrieving, done transferring, and our 2ww will be over as well.

Initially the thought of doing the genetic testing to determine gender had me aghast...but as I see all of the pink baby stuff out there...I have those feelings like I did at the beginning of my pregnancy wth Logan. It would be nice to have a boy and girl and be finished. I have also been wondering how another boy will impact my relaionship with him. I know you hear all the time people talking about they never imagined they could love another child as much...but he's my BOY, we have a special bond that I don't WANT to share with another little boy. But if that's what in the cards for us I'm sure we'll all adjust. Just seems too much like playing God to me. It's taken long enough for me to come to terms with what I even believe with all of this ART stuff and what God thinks about it.

Logan also has his 2 year well check that afternoon. I would reschedule but I made the appointment back in early September and this was the first they had available, so who knows when I could even get him in again. I am having a trial transfer Wednesday and I guess if it's that's terrible Brian can just take him, but I've never missed his appointments and I don't intend to start (see how the dynamic is already possibly changing??). Besides I will never be able to remember all my questions and relay them to Brian anyways...so I will just have to suck it up and go.

So here's to the start of what will be a very interesting 2 months!! Hopefully Brian and I make it through, hopefully the OHSS I am dreading so much (so much!) does not pay us a visit, hopefully time flies by, and hopefully we get a ++++ outcome.