Oh shit!

Hyperstim...I hate that word. It is what my body likes to do. We have 7-8 follicles on each side measuring at 21-23cm so at least we will have a bunch to freeze (hopefully if they fertilize). Looking like my retrieval may be the end of this cycle. No transfer. FET later. Lower success rates with that so bah that sucks. There is still hope that the Albumin I am receiving will calm things down enough that we can transfer next Sunday. So pissy now.

Nothing much to report here

I'm tired and tired of shots. Had my first hormonal (that's what I'm callign it) breakdown Monday night at Brian. Quite funny since I had it literally minutes after saying "and I've been even less of abitch then I usually am since starting my meds!". Men just don't get it sometimes. He's been kissing butt since though. NOt that I'm the kind of person who demands that, it's just nice to see maybe he realizes what I'm going through.

Doctor tomorrow AM for a follie check. I am hoping we do my retrieval Sunday. If not it should be Monday. It's almost over. The waiting is the worst, I'm sure when I'm in my 2ww I will peeing on home tests daily : ( I'd like to say I've come to terms with this maybe not working and not wanting to try again, but who knows, that changes with the wind.

Excite for Turkey Day tomorrow at my mom's. I love hanging out with my family at my mom's house. Glad we don't have to go by MIL's house!!

Our agreement

So I made a deal with Brian last night. Silly man, always the optimist. We agreed that if this IVF doesn't work we are taking Logan to Disney for his birthday in October : ) I've never been there and neither has Brian. The catch...we are also taking my 3 nephews and 1 niece!! They will never get to go if it's left up to their parents. At least mine took us on OTHER vacations and that is why we didn't go to Disney, my siblings are just idiots though so I think the kids should get to go. I'm already online pricing trips and airfare : ) It's looking expensive but it will be worth it, and we haven't had a vacation in forever.

Just goes to show, Brian is convinced this cycle will work and he won't have to pony up, whereas I am convinced it won't so at least now I have Disney to look forward too! It will be Logan's birthday party : ) And this way his parents can't complain about how much I spend or do for his party since they won't be invited : P

We're getting there

So tonight is Day 4 of stims. I have been a puking mess since we started. I was actually sent home from work early Saturday morning, and didn't go in last night and am not going in tonight. I had a follie check today and my ovaries are already Super Stimulated. Tons of follies on each side, and quite a few pretty big ones. They want them between 18-20cm, and I already have at least 7-8 on each side measuring at 10cm. We are decreasing my Follistim tonight as a precaution...no OHSS for me (I hope!). So even with my E2 setback, we may still have an egg retrieval this coming weekend. Initially it would have been Saturday, since I am stimming so quickly it may be Sunday, I may only need 8 days on stims, which I am totally fine with. Dare I let myself think this may work, I just know I will be heartbroken if it doesn't...

Exhaleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So the doctors office FINALLY called back. My E2 is down to 43.5, a tad bit higher then they'd like but good enough to keep on truckin'. So lucky me, I get to add 2 shots to my gut to my nightly regimine now. Counting down...10 days until retrieval, (hopefully) 15 days until transfer...and then it is all in God's hands from that point on...

Is pregnancy contagious?

I sure hope so because I'm bound to catch it then! In the past 2 weeks I have found out 4 of my friends are pregnant! First it was Jenny, who I am so excited for. She had Ben about 7 years ago and went back to school and graduated in May so they were really ready for another. Then came Holly...awesome for her, newlywed baby. Next Angie...not really super close to her anymore but hey good for her. Then last night BETH...she has to do or get something because everybody else is. When everybody came back from Florida, Laura talked about buying a new car like the rental down there...who went out the next day and bought one? Beth of course. Now it's "oh you guys are trying for a baby? we will too, won't that be fun to be pregnant together?" and now "wow we only decided to start trying a couple weeks ago...but I was already pregnant!". I told her congratulations, but I can't be super happy about it. I'm probably screwing my karma here...

I'm guaging things in days now to get through. Tomorrow is the day I find out if we can even continue...

A little better

Well I've had some time to calm down and I'm doing a little better. I can definately feel the increased dose of Lupron though, I woke up last night at one point and went to roll over...and I couldn't move. My legs were so stiff and hurt so bad I couldn't move them until I lay there for awhile and kind of stretched them out. Just remember Kell...Thursday win or lose I can lower my dose or quit it!

I decided I will not be defeated! I am getting pregnant this cycle and that's that! Positive thinking?? I'm not going through all of this crap for nothing...Logan wants a sibling for Christmas and as Super-Mom it's my job to give him one.

Crap, crap, and more crap

So I went to the doctor this morning...day 3...ultrasound looks awesome, start stims tonight. Oh but wait, the nurse called to let me know my estrogen is 62, they don't want it above 40...so don't start stims, increase Lupron that has been making me feel like shit to 20 units instead of 5, and hope it goes down by Thursday or my cycle is cancelled.

I am just beyond mad. I told Brian this will be our last cycle, I can't do it anymore, and now I told him that whether its cancelled or not it will be over. And I feel like such an ass because while I've been telling myself it won't work and haven't been letting myself get excited, I think in the back of my mind I was convinced it would work, and now I'm just horribly devastated.

I know there is of course still a chance, but in my mind I feel like I know its over.

I have my beautiful, perfect Logan and if that's all God wanted me to have then so be it.

I hate those stupid people who just look at their husband and say "honey lets have a baby", do it once or God forbid maybe even two or three times, and oh my their pregnant. And yes I am throwing myself a pity party right now and don't care how mean I am...but I swear if I hear that Brian's sister is pregnant anytime during this wonderful holiday season I will just lose it!

Seriously????

Logan has lost his mind! He destroyed so many things in the house today I am in shock! He managed to somehow use his juice in his sippy cup to paste magaine pages to my kitchen floor, which I cannot remove no matter what I try. He also somehow removed the little rubber and metal door stopper thingie that is on the wall behind the living room door to prevent the doorknob from banging into the wall...there aren't even any screws or anything on it so I have no clue how he did that. He also is still obsessed with the microwave...unfortunately we have little to no counter space so I can't figure out what to do with that yet since the only place for it is on the microwave cart. He of course managed to provoke the dog into trying to bite him twice and the cat to hiss an dspit at him, he thinks this is hilarious though. He is really giving me a run for my money!

Then later tonight he was running around with a picture in his hand and when I finally got it from him he told me "my Care"...it was a picture of his cousins, my nephew J.J., and my niece Clare : ) He's never said any of their names before, and he actually hasn't seen my niece lately only my nephews, but he knew that was his Care : ) He also layed in bed with me at bedtime and kept taking out his binky (yes I know he's 2 now and still has a bink!) and saying "Muah" and grabbing my face and planting kisses on me. This along with wrapping his tiny little hands around my neck and hugging me...and I guess I won't ship him off to the orphanage just yet.

He drives me batty lately but he also does the funniest and sweetest things. Obviously I will love the opportunity to be a mom again, but it also makes me a little bit sad to think these may be some of our last times as "onlies" together. I'm only HIS mom and he's my only baby : )

Just a few random pictures of Logan : )

Winter will suck!

I'm already having cabin fever! Yesterday we got to go to Logan's doctor's appointment. It went well. We started seeing a new pediatrician and I really like her alot. I am going to write a letter to his old doctor explaining that we really were fond of him but his Medical Assistant was the reason we left. So Logan weighed 25 pounds, and was 34 inches tall (or was it 35? Bad mommy here!). He got his last Hep A shot an da flu shot and now we don't go back until he is 3!

Monday night Mother-in-law was here so she gave me my shot...ummm okay I think she used her pent up rage towards me because my leg was BLEEDING afterwards and I now have a huge bruise...ouch! However dh insisted on giving it to me last night, and I made him practice on an orange forever...but he did great! I didn't even feel it. It is such a relief to know I can have him do them all now, one less worry on my mind!

I am supposed to get AF Friday, which means I will start my stims Monday. I am juust thankful this is almost over. Les then a month because my transfer will be either December 2 or 4...I can hold on for that much longer! I have been really negative just thinking it won't work, I guess maybe setting myself up for dissappointment, I'm afraid to thin kit just might work...

Well I dug my old print/copy/scan out of the closet and am trying to scan pictures onto my computer, it never worked before so I don't know why it would work now! Off to frustrate myself!

I have my own little black raincloud

Just a poor, poor pitiful me post here...these shots are kicking my butt! I have been throwing up, having headaches, every bone in my body aches, and my stomach is so bloated I look about 5 months pregnant. It pretty much sucks. Luckily I had co-workers to give me my shots all weekend, but then last night I had to do my own again, I hadn't slept since coming off of my 12 hour night shift Saturday, had to spend the day at my in-laws, Logan was a spazz all day, and I felt like crap! So insert needle, realize it isn't in all the way, have to push it in further, it hurt TERRIBLY, inject oncology drug, and start bawling!!! I know it will be worth it in the end, but I'm just so tired...

I bought Jon and Kate's book this weekend and finished it in about an hour and a half last night. She really irritates me on the show lately, but the book was basically about her TTC, her pregnancy, and the time right after the sextuplets were born. She is inspiring and it was a good read. I just keep telling myself others TTC have it much harder then I do : ( IF is a horrible, horrible thing!

My dear little pregnant cousin apparently has some new crap to deal with, or should I say my aunt and uncle do. The sheriffs department contacted them last night to set up an interview. Apparently my cousin's guidance counselor called the police because my cousin is 17 (she will be 18 when the baby is born), and her boyfriend just turned 19. They dated all during high school and he was a junior when she was a freshman, so its not a creepy child molestor situation, but still illegal! The sheriff told my aunt that is not her choice to press charges, that the state may do it anyways. My mom said that normally they just put these people on probation and don't give them jail time, but he will then forever be considered a sex offender an dhave to register as one! My poor aunt...

I was laso volunteered to throw her baby shower, hopefully I am also pregnant by that time or it will be really hard. Although I do like to throw a party and plan on making it awesome for her. I figure she may be young, but this will be her only baby shower (we only throw one for the first in our family) and she shouldn't get the shaft just because she's young...

Well I'm going ot try to reason with my 2 year old now and get him to take a nap...

Thursdays

Why oh why does Logan insist on waking up at obscene times on Thursdays? 6:30am is just too early, plus it throws the whole day off, and naptime is always an ordeal...and I work Thursday nights!! It's like he KNOWS!!

So yesterday we began our Lupron injections. I actually gave it to myself, didn't have Brian do it!! It wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt at all yet I almost passed out because of the anticipation...I'm such a wuss! I can stick people with needles, start IV's...and I could care less but when it's ME!! Break out the smelling salts!

I really hope this works and we can just be done. If it doesn't work we still have 2 more cycles the insurance will cover (they don't count cancelled cycles towards our limit), but I think we will be done. I think Logan will be it, or maybe we will discuss adoption. I can't go through this again, just the dwelling on it part is bad enough and we haven't even really gotten into the meat of it yet.

Our nurse at the fertility clinic yesterday was a friend from schools older sister. Normally one would probably feel awkward but being a nurse I could care less. She did IVF to conceive her 3 year old twins so that made me feel a little better as well.

Through all of this i keep thinking of Corey and Jessica : ( Faith and Addison have now switched places and Faith is breech so it's looking like a c-section for Jess. The doctor was kind of leaning towards that anyways, especially if Faith does make it to delivery, so they can have more control over the situation. I really hope she makes it to delivery so that they get to meet her and hold her while she is still alive. Everytime I really think about it, I just cry, I can't imagine something happening to Logan, and I don't know how Jess is doing this, she has some strength.

I'm not even going to discuss the election here...I'm still too bitter!! My mom of course the democrat and I have been having a war of words since yesterday...it's all in good fun of course, but I really know how to rile her up and I'm enjoying it : )

Election Day Rambling

What a day!! Logan decided yesterday was a good day to throw my Blackberry in the toilet! It's only like 5 weeks old, and of course this morning the keypad wouldn't work! So off to the cell phone store where they told me I can pay 200 bucks to fix it...hello I just bought the phone for that much I may as well buy a new one! Brian and I have been with them for 6 years, I have been with them for 10, an dthey couldn't even offer to take a lousy 50 bucks off?!?!!? Really pissed me off. Then Brian had the nerve to tell me I should take better care of my things!! I hope Logan throws something expensive of his in the toilet so I can tell him the same thing!!

Logan and I went and voted today. Walked to the polls since it's like 75 degrees again today (oh I love it!). Tomorrow is supposed to be our last nice day...it will probably snow the next day!

Cancelled Logan's 2 year well check tomorrow because we are switching to a different group of doctors with a different hospital affiliation. I'm looking forward to this! So next Tuesday is his sppointment instead. Brian and I will be seeing a doctor and his wife will actually be Lo's pediatrician.

Tomorrow is the big day...I start my Lupron shots. I'm excited but nervous of course. I hope I don't get the Luprom headaches...I'm such a baby when it comes to headaches. I just want this cycle to be over (and ++++!).

This is the week

So technically we are currently "in cycle"...however we don't start in my mind until Wednesday. I have a huge box of drugs sitting on my kitchen counter, filled with many long, sharp needles. I've argued with myself back and forth for the past week or so "we're doing it" "Maybe we shouldn't do it". I've convinced myself we are a go and if it's that awful we will be done.

So Wednesday Brian has off of work. We have our nurse teaching appointment at 11:45 am. That will be Day 1 of my Lupron injections. While I am in no way, shape, or form even close to being started getting ready for Christmas...I just wish I could fast-forward to that time. we will be done cycling, done retrieving, done transferring, and our 2ww will be over as well.

Initially the thought of doing the genetic testing to determine gender had me aghast...but as I see all of the pink baby stuff out there...I have those feelings like I did at the beginning of my pregnancy wth Logan. It would be nice to have a boy and girl and be finished. I have also been wondering how another boy will impact my relaionship with him. I know you hear all the time people talking about they never imagined they could love another child as much...but he's my BOY, we have a special bond that I don't WANT to share with another little boy. But if that's what in the cards for us I'm sure we'll all adjust. Just seems too much like playing God to me. It's taken long enough for me to come to terms with what I even believe with all of this ART stuff and what God thinks about it.

Logan also has his 2 year well check that afternoon. I would reschedule but I made the appointment back in early September and this was the first they had available, so who knows when I could even get him in again. I am having a trial transfer Wednesday and I guess if it's that's terrible Brian can just take him, but I've never missed his appointments and I don't intend to start (see how the dynamic is already possibly changing??). Besides I will never be able to remember all my questions and relay them to Brian anyways...so I will just have to suck it up and go.

So here's to the start of what will be a very interesting 2 months!! Hopefully Brian and I make it through, hopefully the OHSS I am dreading so much (so much!) does not pay us a visit, hopefully time flies by, and hopefully we get a ++++ outcome.