It's nice how the crap from the past 2 weeks is just all left out of my blog : ) Wish I could do the same in real life! I'm recovering nicely from surgery, I feel "back to normal" whatever that is. And I know I am in NO way, shape, or form ready to go through another cycle, some tiny part of me of course screams get back on the horse, transfer some babysicles. On one hand it would be nice to just get it over with and use them up...that is of course if we just had a few - cycles in a row. I can not take the waiting game again...the being pregnant and knowing it is going to end. This whole thing just sucks, really, really sucks! God has a purpose for everything but what is teh purpose in Brian and I not being able to just have kids?!?! I guess thats liek asking what his purpose is in making poor children suffer with worthless parents...there is just no answer, but life would sure be easier if there were one.
Psalm 136:16
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I truly believe this! I think my whole life was planned before I lived it (maybe I believe this so I can feel less guilty or bad about some of the shitty choices I've made in life!). Now if only I could see that book...skip ahead and find the chapter that says when I have another baby so I could have that to look forward too. Or even if there is no more chapters like that in my book, at least I would know now : (
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
And the world keeps turning
It doesn't stop for me to just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Although I think it should. Just waiting now, waiting to start bleeding. I feel so pregnant so it's hard to believe. And a tiny piece of me just thinks Friday my ultrasound will show one baby who is caught up and perfect...but I know that won't happen. It's just so hard not to hope still.
I would have rather this IVF not even work, then work and end this way. I really want Logan to have a sibling, but I really don't want to go through this again. All of the waiting is enough to drive a person crazy! Worse then the meds and side effects was all of the waiting...wait to transfer, wait to test, and then when I thought everything was a-ok, wait to find out everything is wrong! I really didn't feel this cycle would work, so when it did I just assumed all would be fine : (
I'm of course arguing with Brian now. It's like I'm looking for a fight. I guess that is my Mommy way of being a rebel, I can't go and do anythign really dangerous but I just want to be angry and mad, so I will take it out on him. It's not right, but it is what it is.
The 9 pregnant people I know right now don't help either. I am happy for the ones who have struggled with IF, but indifferent towards the rest. Isn't that horrible of me as well?
My sweet little Logan, he has been just full of random hugs the past 2 days : ) He obviously doesn't KNOW what is happening, but I think he knows his Mommy is sad.
And of course everyone at work knows. I had to have my assignment changed since pregnant people can't care for patients on chemo precautions...now I will have to tell everyone I won't be pregnant...
I would have rather this IVF not even work, then work and end this way. I really want Logan to have a sibling, but I really don't want to go through this again. All of the waiting is enough to drive a person crazy! Worse then the meds and side effects was all of the waiting...wait to transfer, wait to test, and then when I thought everything was a-ok, wait to find out everything is wrong! I really didn't feel this cycle would work, so when it did I just assumed all would be fine : (
I'm of course arguing with Brian now. It's like I'm looking for a fight. I guess that is my Mommy way of being a rebel, I can't go and do anythign really dangerous but I just want to be angry and mad, so I will take it out on him. It's not right, but it is what it is.
The 9 pregnant people I know right now don't help either. I am happy for the ones who have struggled with IF, but indifferent towards the rest. Isn't that horrible of me as well?
My sweet little Logan, he has been just full of random hugs the past 2 days : ) He obviously doesn't KNOW what is happening, but I think he knows his Mommy is sad.
And of course everyone at work knows. I had to have my assignment changed since pregnant people can't care for patients on chemo precautions...now I will have to tell everyone I won't be pregnant...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Been awhile
Been pretty busy. I am finally back at work after my long break. I was anxious to come back as I was starting to go stir crazy...now I've had my fill and coul duse a vacation! After only 3 shifts...yuck!
Logan is doing MUCH better. Back to his normal sassy self after his hospital stay. What a horrible ordeal that was. There is nothing moew sad then seeing your baby hooked up to an IV, lying in a hospital bed to weak to move and complain. Only an occasional whimper. He has not however STOPPED eating. Seriously Brian even commented on the fact that he whines and begs to eat all day long!! Guess I'd rather have him eat then not, and he could stand to gain some weight anyways, especially since he was down to 23 pounds while sick.
Tomorrow is Faith's service. That will be really hard. And I'm so hormonal and cry at everything anyways...
Monday is FINALLY my doctor appointment. When you go every other day for 2 months and then you don't go for 2 weeks (especially when you now WANT to go and see that baby and heartbeat on an ultrasound), it's a very loooong wait. Crossing my fingers that all is well and we have a nice little sea monkey with a nice heartbeat.
Logan is doing MUCH better. Back to his normal sassy self after his hospital stay. What a horrible ordeal that was. There is nothing moew sad then seeing your baby hooked up to an IV, lying in a hospital bed to weak to move and complain. Only an occasional whimper. He has not however STOPPED eating. Seriously Brian even commented on the fact that he whines and begs to eat all day long!! Guess I'd rather have him eat then not, and he could stand to gain some weight anyways, especially since he was down to 23 pounds while sick.
Tomorrow is Faith's service. That will be really hard. And I'm so hormonal and cry at everything anyways...
Monday is FINALLY my doctor appointment. When you go every other day for 2 months and then you don't go for 2 weeks (especially when you now WANT to go and see that baby and heartbeat on an ultrasound), it's a very loooong wait. Crossing my fingers that all is well and we have a nice little sea monkey with a nice heartbeat.
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