It doesn't stop for me to just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Although I think it should. Just waiting now, waiting to start bleeding. I feel so pregnant so it's hard to believe. And a tiny piece of me just thinks Friday my ultrasound will show one baby who is caught up and perfect...but I know that won't happen. It's just so hard not to hope still.
I would have rather this IVF not even work, then work and end this way. I really want Logan to have a sibling, but I really don't want to go through this again. All of the waiting is enough to drive a person crazy! Worse then the meds and side effects was all of the waiting...wait to transfer, wait to test, and then when I thought everything was a-ok, wait to find out everything is wrong! I really didn't feel this cycle would work, so when it did I just assumed all would be fine : (
I'm of course arguing with Brian now. It's like I'm looking for a fight. I guess that is my Mommy way of being a rebel, I can't go and do anythign really dangerous but I just want to be angry and mad, so I will take it out on him. It's not right, but it is what it is.
The 9 pregnant people I know right now don't help either. I am happy for the ones who have struggled with IF, but indifferent towards the rest. Isn't that horrible of me as well?
My sweet little Logan, he has been just full of random hugs the past 2 days : ) He obviously doesn't KNOW what is happening, but I think he knows his Mommy is sad.
And of course everyone at work knows. I had to have my assignment changed since pregnant people can't care for patients on chemo precautions...now I will have to tell everyone I won't be pregnant...
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Its not over yet - I know its hard but hang in there anything really can happen at this point.
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