It's nice how the crap from the past 2 weeks is just all left out of my blog : ) Wish I could do the same in real life! I'm recovering nicely from surgery, I feel "back to normal" whatever that is. And I know I am in NO way, shape, or form ready to go through another cycle, some tiny part of me of course screams get back on the horse, transfer some babysicles. On one hand it would be nice to just get it over with and use them up...that is of course if we just had a few - cycles in a row. I can not take the waiting game again...the being pregnant and knowing it is going to end. This whole thing just sucks, really, really sucks! God has a purpose for everything but what is teh purpose in Brian and I not being able to just have kids?!?! I guess thats liek asking what his purpose is in making poor children suffer with worthless parents...there is just no answer, but life would sure be easier if there were one.
Psalm 136:16
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I truly believe this! I think my whole life was planned before I lived it (maybe I believe this so I can feel less guilty or bad about some of the shitty choices I've made in life!). Now if only I could see that book...skip ahead and find the chapter that says when I have another baby so I could have that to look forward too. Or even if there is no more chapters like that in my book, at least I would know now : (
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
And the world keeps turning
It doesn't stop for me to just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Although I think it should. Just waiting now, waiting to start bleeding. I feel so pregnant so it's hard to believe. And a tiny piece of me just thinks Friday my ultrasound will show one baby who is caught up and perfect...but I know that won't happen. It's just so hard not to hope still.
I would have rather this IVF not even work, then work and end this way. I really want Logan to have a sibling, but I really don't want to go through this again. All of the waiting is enough to drive a person crazy! Worse then the meds and side effects was all of the waiting...wait to transfer, wait to test, and then when I thought everything was a-ok, wait to find out everything is wrong! I really didn't feel this cycle would work, so when it did I just assumed all would be fine : (
I'm of course arguing with Brian now. It's like I'm looking for a fight. I guess that is my Mommy way of being a rebel, I can't go and do anythign really dangerous but I just want to be angry and mad, so I will take it out on him. It's not right, but it is what it is.
The 9 pregnant people I know right now don't help either. I am happy for the ones who have struggled with IF, but indifferent towards the rest. Isn't that horrible of me as well?
My sweet little Logan, he has been just full of random hugs the past 2 days : ) He obviously doesn't KNOW what is happening, but I think he knows his Mommy is sad.
And of course everyone at work knows. I had to have my assignment changed since pregnant people can't care for patients on chemo precautions...now I will have to tell everyone I won't be pregnant...
I would have rather this IVF not even work, then work and end this way. I really want Logan to have a sibling, but I really don't want to go through this again. All of the waiting is enough to drive a person crazy! Worse then the meds and side effects was all of the waiting...wait to transfer, wait to test, and then when I thought everything was a-ok, wait to find out everything is wrong! I really didn't feel this cycle would work, so when it did I just assumed all would be fine : (
I'm of course arguing with Brian now. It's like I'm looking for a fight. I guess that is my Mommy way of being a rebel, I can't go and do anythign really dangerous but I just want to be angry and mad, so I will take it out on him. It's not right, but it is what it is.
The 9 pregnant people I know right now don't help either. I am happy for the ones who have struggled with IF, but indifferent towards the rest. Isn't that horrible of me as well?
My sweet little Logan, he has been just full of random hugs the past 2 days : ) He obviously doesn't KNOW what is happening, but I think he knows his Mommy is sad.
And of course everyone at work knows. I had to have my assignment changed since pregnant people can't care for patients on chemo precautions...now I will have to tell everyone I won't be pregnant...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Been awhile
Been pretty busy. I am finally back at work after my long break. I was anxious to come back as I was starting to go stir crazy...now I've had my fill and coul duse a vacation! After only 3 shifts...yuck!
Logan is doing MUCH better. Back to his normal sassy self after his hospital stay. What a horrible ordeal that was. There is nothing moew sad then seeing your baby hooked up to an IV, lying in a hospital bed to weak to move and complain. Only an occasional whimper. He has not however STOPPED eating. Seriously Brian even commented on the fact that he whines and begs to eat all day long!! Guess I'd rather have him eat then not, and he could stand to gain some weight anyways, especially since he was down to 23 pounds while sick.
Tomorrow is Faith's service. That will be really hard. And I'm so hormonal and cry at everything anyways...
Monday is FINALLY my doctor appointment. When you go every other day for 2 months and then you don't go for 2 weeks (especially when you now WANT to go and see that baby and heartbeat on an ultrasound), it's a very loooong wait. Crossing my fingers that all is well and we have a nice little sea monkey with a nice heartbeat.
Logan is doing MUCH better. Back to his normal sassy self after his hospital stay. What a horrible ordeal that was. There is nothing moew sad then seeing your baby hooked up to an IV, lying in a hospital bed to weak to move and complain. Only an occasional whimper. He has not however STOPPED eating. Seriously Brian even commented on the fact that he whines and begs to eat all day long!! Guess I'd rather have him eat then not, and he could stand to gain some weight anyways, especially since he was down to 23 pounds while sick.
Tomorrow is Faith's service. That will be really hard. And I'm so hormonal and cry at everything anyways...
Monday is FINALLY my doctor appointment. When you go every other day for 2 months and then you don't go for 2 weeks (especially when you now WANT to go and see that baby and heartbeat on an ultrasound), it's a very loooong wait. Crossing my fingers that all is well and we have a nice little sea monkey with a nice heartbeat.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Poor babies
Logan has the flu! So much for the stupid flu shot...and at Christmas too! He has been throwing up since early yesterdya morning. I'm thinking if he doesn't start to keep something down soon, we will have to call the doctor : ( His littl eeyes are starting to get that sunken dehydrated llok. It's so sad, he just lays there...and looks pitiful. He slept with me last night because when he throw up he goes limp and won't sit up, so he keeps choking. I wasn't about to have him alone in his room doing that...but at 2:30 this morning he fell out of bed! I am an awful mommy. He now has a fatlip : ( I'm thinking we will be spending Christmas at hoem this year.
The twins were born on Saturday. 5 weeks early. Little Faith far surpassed the doctors expectations and hung in there for 34 hours before she went home to the Lord. I'm so happy I got to go and see her and hold her Sunday night. Addison was in the NICU for observation, but was released today with her Mommy. I'm glad that this part is over for Jess, just so sad that this all happened right at Christmastime. I can't imagine losing a child, and then when you want to grieve having to carefor her twin and big sister still. we all knew this was the outcome for many months, but when it happens...there is no way to "prepare" for it. Just praying for C & J, and wishing them strength to get through this difficult time : (
The twins were born on Saturday. 5 weeks early. Little Faith far surpassed the doctors expectations and hung in there for 34 hours before she went home to the Lord. I'm so happy I got to go and see her and hold her Sunday night. Addison was in the NICU for observation, but was released today with her Mommy. I'm glad that this part is over for Jess, just so sad that this all happened right at Christmastime. I can't imagine losing a child, and then when you want to grieve having to carefor her twin and big sister still. we all knew this was the outcome for many months, but when it happens...there is no way to "prepare" for it. Just praying for C & J, and wishing them strength to get through this difficult time : (
Thursday, December 18, 2008
And life slowly returns to normal
Well as normal as our life can be anyways. I went back to work last night. My fellow RN's were wonderful and wouldn't let me do anything (I wonder if that will last until August?). It was only an 8 hour shift so we will see how this weekend goes. I have another beta tomorrow morning, can't wait to hear the #. I am 100% sure I am only having 1, I will be shocked if my us on the 5th shows 2...don't know why I just have a feeling. I also think it's another boy, so I've begun calling him Brady already : ) I wonder if the new baby will look like Logan? I'm pretty confident all is okay and will continue to go well...
Dh is on vacation for 2 weeks...I'm already bored. It's supposed to snow a ton again tonight, they are saying up to a foot! And then another big storm is expected on Saturday. I hope it starts AFTER I'm at work, I hate driving in this crap!
So last night Brian told his mother I will not be attending Christmas this year. I have to work Christmas Eve, and with all of the BS that has gone on with his sister and his brother's wife all year, I don't feel comfortable around them. I know it's all a big cheesy fake act and I'm tired of it. They are rude and inconsiderate, and I just refuse to have the stress. I am done being the bigger person, I've tried endlessly (I actually have!) and I am fed up with it. His mom of course was all upset, but he actually stuck up for me, explained my reasons, and explained that he totally understands where I am coming from...he even pointed out things to her that I've pointed out to him that I thought he just blew off! I hate that this is what it's come too, I hate that my BIL's stupid ass "wife" has caused such unfixable damage among me and my IL's, and that Brian has to be put in the middel of it. I don't see it getting better, the point we've come to I really think that we will have contact with his parents, and he mayeb with his siblings at holidays, but they disinclude him from their lives anyways so it's not really like he's losing out on much. I feel bad for him, but liek I said if that's how your family treats you...what kin dof family is that?? I hope his Mom doesn't turn this into another battle.
My mom isn't having Christmas this year, everybodys logistics are all screwed up. I'm pretty bummed out about it : ( I'm pretty sure on Christmas I will come home, open gifts and have breakfast with Brian and Logan, take a nap, go serve dinner to the less fortunate at the church, then go see Marley & Me. I loved the book so I'm really excited, plus I love Jennifer Aniston. Maybe I will ask Mom if she wants to join me for the movie. It will suck with Brian adn Logan gone, but I don't want his parents to not see Logan so I'm making him go. Ahhhh...isn't the holiday wonderful? Aren't families the best? I shouldn't say that...mine really is pretty great : )
Dh is on vacation for 2 weeks...I'm already bored. It's supposed to snow a ton again tonight, they are saying up to a foot! And then another big storm is expected on Saturday. I hope it starts AFTER I'm at work, I hate driving in this crap!
So last night Brian told his mother I will not be attending Christmas this year. I have to work Christmas Eve, and with all of the BS that has gone on with his sister and his brother's wife all year, I don't feel comfortable around them. I know it's all a big cheesy fake act and I'm tired of it. They are rude and inconsiderate, and I just refuse to have the stress. I am done being the bigger person, I've tried endlessly (I actually have!) and I am fed up with it. His mom of course was all upset, but he actually stuck up for me, explained my reasons, and explained that he totally understands where I am coming from...he even pointed out things to her that I've pointed out to him that I thought he just blew off! I hate that this is what it's come too, I hate that my BIL's stupid ass "wife" has caused such unfixable damage among me and my IL's, and that Brian has to be put in the middel of it. I don't see it getting better, the point we've come to I really think that we will have contact with his parents, and he mayeb with his siblings at holidays, but they disinclude him from their lives anyways so it's not really like he's losing out on much. I feel bad for him, but liek I said if that's how your family treats you...what kin dof family is that?? I hope his Mom doesn't turn this into another battle.
My mom isn't having Christmas this year, everybodys logistics are all screwed up. I'm pretty bummed out about it : ( I'm pretty sure on Christmas I will come home, open gifts and have breakfast with Brian and Logan, take a nap, go serve dinner to the less fortunate at the church, then go see Marley & Me. I loved the book so I'm really excited, plus I love Jennifer Aniston. Maybe I will ask Mom if she wants to join me for the movie. It will suck with Brian adn Logan gone, but I don't want his parents to not see Logan so I'm making him go. Ahhhh...isn't the holiday wonderful? Aren't families the best? I shouldn't say that...mine really is pretty great : )
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Snow again
Winter weather advisory from 3pm to 3am. Yuck. Brian starts vacation tomorrow for 2 weeks, which I had been looking forward too but now with the black cloud looming over us I am dreading it. Hopefully they need a lot of extra help at work and I can get out of here. I am just so upset with him I don't even know what to say. I've just reached my limit with his family...if something doesn't change I will have to change something because I cannot keep doing this.
Well off to watch the Backyardigans...again : P Doctor appt. again tomorrow AM. Hopefully the snow is cleaned up or it will take DAYS to get there!
Well off to watch the Backyardigans...again : P Doctor appt. again tomorrow AM. Hopefully the snow is cleaned up or it will take DAYS to get there!
Monday, December 15, 2008
WTF????
SIL just called to let us know that SHE is expecting. Only about 4 weeks though so please don't tell anyone as they are only telling MIL & FIL, and BIL and his wife. Really???? Okay...I could see if you were telling everybody and wanted to maybe give us a heads up since we will see the WHOLE family at Xmas...but if you aren't then why call the IF couple who are going through IVF, who don't know yet whether or not it worked and even if we did know we still have another week of betas before we know all is okay? I have always had problems with her and BIL's wife now that the 2 of them are buddies...but I just think it's a little inconsiderate on her part. I mean she doesn't even talk to dh and I so it's not like we are all so close and she was so excited to share her news with us. We will be due within like a week of each other...I guess the only good thing is now that her daughter is having a baby...MIL will leave me alone!! I'm glad she got pregnant with no problems, but seriously do any of these people have even half a brain???? She claims she is only having girls...so I hope she has a happy, healthy baby boy : )
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